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Turduckens Are For Sissies

Dear Scribblista:
I'm making dinner for my boyfriend and his redneck family this Christmas. They're all meat-crazy and last year, my Tofurky did not go over so well. His brothers went out and shot themselves a catfish instead. How do you suggest that I impress them? - Flex-a-terian 4 Life

Dear Flex:
Have you heard of a Turducken? It's a de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck stuffed with a de-boned chicken. They're an obsession with foodies and some of our favorite local spokespeople.

Well, now there's Turducken x Ten. Seems a chef across the pond tweaked the idea a wee bit and his recipe calls for a turkey stuffed with a goose + duck + mallard + guinea fowl + chicken + pheasant + partridge + pigeon + woodcock. It takes nine hours to cook (not including the prep time to debone and defeather all that foul fowl) and costs upwards of $250.

Some tipsters offered another twist that's guaranteed to dazzle the hardest-core carnivores in your life: Continue stuffing it into an emu. Then an ostrich.

Where in the World is My Will Power?

[from our mailbag]
Dear Scribblista:
I've been stuck in an unfulfilling, contemptible relationship for years, but I don't know how to break free.
Each morning, I wake up and watch the Today Show. I don't know why, but I do. Yesterday, I watched Katie Couric interview some poor schmuck who managed to get his ass super-glued to a toilet at Home Depot. Like always, Katie oozed fake, chipper concern and, I swear, that uppity attitude just makes me wanna pop her.   
Then there's that clown Roker, who got blown over during a hurricane stunt and why is it so damn hard for Ann Curry to read a teleprompter correctly? Worst of all, I've actually started to wonder where in the world Matt Lauer might turn up. 

Food As Art

[from our mailbag:]
Dear Scribblista: 
My son won't stop playing with his food. He just used ketchup as fingerpaint and messed my freshly-painted walls. Give me one good reason not to strangle him. -- Homocidal Mom

Dear Homocidal:
If you off that kid now, how will he ever grow up and find really elaborate things to do with food? From landscapes to portraiture to perspective, we rounded up some premier food artists to prove our point:
• Watch it wiggle at artist Elizabeth Hickock's online portfolio of San Francisco re-imagined in Jell-O. How or why, we just don't know. [Click all pix to enlarge] UPDATE: Somehow we missed this video of the San Fran in a jello-quake.

• The photoshop contests at Worth 1000 are always fun, and here are some of the newer approaches to getting your five-a-day.

• Minimam is an odd site that takes some effort to visit. Once you get in, perspective on food is hilarious. Be patient with all the flash, then click the balls that eventually appear on the right. My guess: Life will soon imitate art if we keep spiking our produce with growth hormones.

Reasons To Hang In

[From our mailbag]

Dear Scribblista:
I'm 15 and I suck at it. Me & my friend Seth dyed our hair these day-glo colors to look all scary and shit, but then we screwed up and our hair turned pastel. My mom said that we look like a couple of Easter eggs stomping around in combat boots and leather jackets. Am I ever gonna be a bad ass?  -- Egghead

Dear Egghead:
Not so much. But your future holds plenty of good times, like stage-diving onto your head, vomiting on your buddies, picking a fight with some big, drunk dude who knocks a tooth out and believing that you'll score some chicks if you stretch-out your earlobes.

Meanwhile, embrace that teen angst, kid, just like Harvey Pekar (the guy behind the American Splendor cartoons and movie) does in his hot-off-the-presses new book, The Quitter.

And shave your head. You can't scare the little old ladies if they envy your hair color.

Ask Scribblista

From the mail bag:

Dear Scribblista:
I'm so embarrassed. My best-friend stuffed some french fries up her nose in the cafeteria today, and I laughed so hard that I peed my pants. My teacher said that lots of second-graders have accidents, but I still want to crawl under a rock. Should I just drop out now and try this stuff called Crystal Meth? 
                                    -- Washed Up at Seven

Dear Seven:
Cheer up, sweetie. The old french fries-in-the-nose gambit makes everyone want to pee their pants. What you need is a celebrity role model who can help you feel better about yourself. Take a peek at these pics of Black-Eye Peas singer Fergie at a recent concert. And, oh no no, don't phunk with the Crystal Meth.