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Wardrobe Malfunctions

Missed the Golden Globes?
Here's the official lowdown. Here's some backstory. Here are best and worst photos.

We only caught snippets of the show, but saw enough to know that Natalie Portman was a total knockout, Keira shone and Reese looked adorable in that white Chanel dress.

And we noticed that several starlets had bra emergencies and cleavage issues. 
• Drew Barrymore. Two words: Foundation garments! Two more words: La Perla!

• Gwyneth Paltrow. She's pregnant and elected to wear a something that actually looked more like grandma's table cloth (it belongs in the "what were you thinking?" category. We have no idea what she was doing on stage; we were far too fixated by the bra-strap creeping down her arm.

• Mariah Carey. It was the Emancipation of Mimi, alright. Or perhaps, the Emancipation of Mimi's mammaries. 

• Virginia Madsen. We love you, girlfriend, but not that dress.   

• Pamela Anderson. We don't know what to make of this dress, but we can only assume that her breasts have gone into mourning.

• Scarlett Johannson. We weren't crazy about the Farrah hair or hooker red dress, even though we love Scarlett. Apparently, this guy likes her too. [via The Superficial.]

Gossipista Pipes Up

Psst, you didn't hear it here, but: 

• Let the chattering classes smirk about Judy Miller's "departure" from the NYT. The smirking classes - and that would be us - are chattering about her rumored affair with racy novelist Mr. Libby. Mostly, 'cause we like to make Judy Rides Scooter jokes. BTW: She's a blogger now and his illicit novel about pedophila, bestiality and rape will be re-printed.

• Vogue editrix Anna Wintour is so outraged by the movie version of The Devil Wore Prada that she's issued a fashion fatwa - or a ban from being in the mag - on designers, celebs, and anyone else participating in the film. Oh and yes, she is the Devil.

• Rosie O'Donnell has a blog. A word of warning: Tread lightly into the inner workings of her mind. 

• The cherished dream of frat-boys everywhere becomes a reality; it is now possible to earn a Bra Studies degree in China.

• Speaking of frat-boys, pix of Demi Moore's brazen nip slip flashed around the Internet until e-snarks everywhere realized they'd been duped by a Photoshop prankster. And a shout out to our gossipy brethern. All immediately made note of the hoax. Who says bloggers are not to be trusted?

She's Got Six Toes!

Or does she?

On closer inspection, I still can't make out if the photos of Halle Berry's feet reveal a deformity or a really bad callous. I'm going with deformity.

It's just further evidence that celebrities are humans -- or monsters -- just like the rest of us. Here's how we know it's Halle:

Teach Us, Tom

Washed-up actor Tom Cruise, PhD., will spread the gospel of L. Ron by delivering a series of four lectures on topics related to "The Modern Science of Mental Health."

Lecture #1: "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia, and What Scientologists Can Do About It." [Because only crazy people doubt the stuff about Thetans and alien life forms]

Lecture #2: "Handling Sexual Dis-Orientation: Out of the Closet and Into the Auditing Room." [Are you listening, Katie? He really is 100% pure hetero.]

Lecture #3: "Diagnosis and Treatment of So-Called Clinical Depression with the Hubbard Mark Super VII Quantum Electropsychometer." ([Brooke Shields once again invited to appreciate the use of "so-called."]

Lecture #4: "Neuroanatomical Changes Resulting from Chronic Methamphetamine Abuse: Can Narconon's Sauna and Niacin Treatment Program Help?" [Use of big words may be hard to follow for coked-up and Scientology pet project Kate Moss].  [Defamer]

Ed. Note: It's for real. We couldn't make it up if we tried.
UPDATE: Nicole Kidman endorses spending time on the couch.

UPDATE #2: Turns out, the press release was a hoax. Damn, we only wish we were this good!

Shiver Me Timbers

Avast Ye Fools,
This be Pirate King Ahab Picaroon, and I've got this sharp-tongued Scribblista lass strung up by her strappy high-heels in me hangman's noose as I ransack her ship for grog & booty.

Aye, in Davy's firm-clenched grip she be and I plan to drop her into the roiling sea. But  she keeps hollering some malarky about letting ye landlubbers know that today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day, whereby ye leave yer cubicle to thump the backs of yer fellow shipmates with a hearty "aye matey." Or if you're a swash-buckling scribe like meself, you can simply edit some text like a pirate.

Meanwhile, have ye heard the latest high seas hornswaggle?
Pirate extraordinaire Capt. Jack Sparrow has been peddling the news that Keith Richards will play his father in the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean.
Not so, the Rolling Stone sez here:

"Johnny and I spent a great afternoon trying to get these things (costumes) on. But that doesn't mean I'm doing it. At the moment I've turned them down. They're shooting while I'm touring. I'd love to do it if there was no hassle, but it would be a side trip. I know what my gig is. The idea of working for Disney gives me the shivers in the first place."

Aye, tis sad news indeed. Our pirate flags are flying at half-mast everywhere.